My new life?
My children are now gone. Well, somewhat gone. I’m so grateful that my youngest is not to far away in Harrisonburg. But in the “next phase of life” considered…they are gone. Off pursuing their dreams and aspirations. How does this make me feel? Proud, happy, excited and supportive…. for them. How do I feel? Lonely, lost, shocked, curious and at times hovering on the abyss of insanity. Why?
When working through the question “when to have children” on an intellectual level, one thought was recurring. If I had my children young, I would be in my mid 40’s upon their departure pursing their educational future. I would have my life back! Mine…thinking at the young age of 23 I would certainly conceive what that life would be once I reached the wisdom of 40. Well, here I am. Free! No children to attend to and launching a new business. Why is it I feel less insightful that expected?
I find myself during those frequent timeframes where there is no plan laid out for me, thinking, “what do I do?” This is not a new revelation. When my oldest left for college and my youngest was beginning high school, the query crossed my mind. I began to think of what passions did I have before having my girls? That took me back to high school. Being engaged at 19 and married by 21 didn’t leave me much time to develop additional interests or learn more about who I was. (I’m sure that attributed to my failure in the marriage.) There were two passions I pursued, art and music. I played the trumpet during high school. My instrument was a strong and wonderful brass beauty that admittedly I played quite well. But I always wanted a silver trumpet! Hello eBay! The art? My girls had given me a few gifts over the years supplying me with the necessary sketchbooks and charcoal pencils to fulfill that lost dream. Have I touched either? No…why?
I spent so much time filling myself to the limit with motherhood. I love everything about it, even the challenging moments. I keep reaching back, wanting that warm fix. I’ve slowly realized that my girls are going nowhere. I am as much a part of them as they are of me. When I reach for something that is just for me, it isn’t stretching in the opposite direction of them. It’s time! Time to etch out that hour to sit and sketch! Time to look for a tutor for my silver beauty. And maybe, just maybe…the minutes that span between the times spent with my two best friends will be filled with color and a melody!