TABOO TRUTHS

Something I’ve had to get used to since my divorce is preparing myself for summers without my girls.  The first year was by far the most difficult.  The girls’ father and I agreed that custody would allow him to have the majority of the summer days with them and I during the school year. 

Lindsay is now over 18 and makes her own decisions on where and when to spend her time.  Courtney is entering her last summer as a “minor” child.  This year is very different resulting from our relocation to VA. 

I would normally have the availability to see her for lunch and every other weekend…this will not be the case this year.  So, I ready myself to escort her back to Michigan next weekend and fly back alone.

This preparation always fills me with a little conflict.  No responsibility to make meals, do additional laundry, not seeing her stare at a computer screen engrossed in World of Warcraft for hours, etc. is enticing!  I can do anything at anytime I wish!  That feeling lasts for about 2 weeks…then the second feeling melts in.

Since my oldest turned 18 and began her life outside my home, there is a loss of energy within my walls.  It is two-fold when my youngest is gone.  Freedom traded for emptiness never balances the scale.  And now, I am no longer in my own home which brings a wave of homelessness.  Making it more impressive this summer is the reality that all too soon I will be facing this feeling for good.  The desire to close my eyes and click my heels together uttering “there’s no place like home” begins to take over!

More on that subject later!  So, what to do with myself during this “Courtney-less” time?  This has been pondered by this mom for sometime.  A little over a year ago I bought a new silver trumpet.  I played in high school and still have great tone.  Lessons?  My girls gave me a sketch pad and pencils to encourage me to reengage my once “life calling”.  I’ve hit a few tennis balls with my boyfriend (I hate that title!  How old am I…13?) and could focus on learning more about playing the game?  I’ve been exploring new business ventures…maybe focus there? 

Maybe I should stop planning all aspects of my life for a few weeks!   Maybe, for a few weeks, I  allow myself to care less about what seems so important and enjoy things that aren’t.  A glass of wine in the afternoon, coasting through greens lights on 29, walking my dog and seeing no other tempting canines for him to attack, a good hair day, laying by the pool for a couple hours, reading an actual book, the first sip of ice water when dehydrated, the discovery of a loved movie while channel surfing, playing with my iPhone, wearing my favorite skirt, getting a surprise text from a friend or…painting my toenails!  What a wonderful little joy…newly polished toenails!

Now, what color to paint them?  Hmmm….I love the french manicure look, maybe OPI Cheyenne Pepper?  Paint them tonight or tomorrow?  Can’t wear shoes for hours after…what do I have to do tonight?  Oops, am I planning again?

Picture by teacherholly’s

Today at 5pm my daughter Courtney is having her awards ceremony commemorating her junior year of school accomplishments.  I’ve been to many of these events with both my daughters.  But this year feels very different.

Her and I relocated to Charlottesville VA last August (which I need to blog about!).  She attended the school back in Michigan along with the friends and family she has known her entire life.  Now new school, new state, new city…new friends.  The school is small in size but has opened a world to her in ways that every Mother hopes for!  For her this has been a year of reinventing herself. 

That isn’t why this year feels different to me.  She is my youngest and last daughter to complete high school.  Thinking back on the last few years of Lindsays days at Lumen Christi High School brings a sweet excitement of memories for me.  Preparing her the best I could for graduation and college…it was a new adventure for myself as a Mom.  Seeing her excitement was infectious!  Those feelings are not the same for me now.  I feel a deep feeling of emptiness.

The three of us have a strong bond and my girls are literally my oxygen.  Who I am, the beliefs I have, the core of my very soul was modeled from the journey of being their Mom.  And now I face the reality of having to let go, again.  Her young adult life journey will soon be mapped and I have to open my hands and allow her to take the car keys.  I’ll of course have to give her gas money as well! 

This is the normal progression of parenting.  I realize this and know that I will never lose them.  And for all my sadness the excitement and anticipation of their future experiences is double!  But as a Mother staring straight into the last year of having my youngest daughter (and friend) home with me leaves me shaken with doubt, fearful of change and cold with loneliness.  Strange, I had children when I was young so at this point in my young adult life I could begin to focus on my desires.  Now facing head-on to my 24 year old “thought through”  plan, the only words that die to escape my lips are  ”don’t go!” 

I will feel the need to write much more about this topic in the year to come.  For now I will continue to guide, support and love her as I always have.  However I think the moments will slow down, her laughter will flood me with more happiness, the challenges will allow me to hold her close a little longer and my eyes will photograph more accurately the coming year.  I WILL make this year one for us both to remember! 

But, for today I will sit with pride and tears watching the awards she no doubt has earned.  Being thankful that the tears swelling from all these emotions I envelope will at least clear my contacts from my dehyrated eyes! 

Photo taken by Miktess